Citing the need to “foster a more inclusive and welcoming environment for all sports-entertainers,” World Wrestling Entertainment announced today that, effective immediately, it is banning chairshots, table spots, and microaggressions. 

Striking an opponent with a steel chair — or any type of chair other than beanbag — now results in an immediate disqualification. The ringside announce tables, through which countless sports-entertainers have crashed, are now of-limits and have been greased with warm lard to ensure that even the largest bodies will slide right off. 

Along with chairshots and table spots, WWE also announced a “zero-tolerance policy for microaggressions of any kind.” The policy states: 

• Microaggressions are commonplace daily verbal, behavioral or environmental slights, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative attitudes toward stigmatized or culturally marginalized groups, such mid-carders, curtain-jerkers, ham-and-eggers, and peoples of Parts Unknown
• Microaggressions can include: locker-room eye-rolls, towel-snaps, pulling of tights during a pin, non-consensual belly-to-belly-suplexes, defecating in another sports-entertainer’s luggage (a.k.a. Ortonning), doing anything Tommy Dreamer casually dismisses as no big deal, celebrating after a victory, and any other expression of superiority (including holding/wearing championship belts)

All WWE Superstars will be required to attend a four-day workshop called “Sports Entertaining Inclusively,” which promises to teach “non-confrontational solutions to even the most heated rivalries.” 

WWE is facing increasing criticism for its long and well-documented history of microaggressions, from the time Dr. Death David Schultz made fun of Tom Stossel’s moustache, to the infamous “Montreal Screwup,” where Bret Hart “accidentally” sneezed on the face of Vince McMahon, then spelled “WOW” in the air with his finger.