Rusev lana russian
Are Lana and Rusev just puppets of Donald Trump, who paid the Illuminati to ensure Russian hackers rigged the election? All reliable evidence says yes.

Shocking new information has emerged in the ongoing Wikileaks saga, this time linking the election of President-elect Donald Trump to shady backroom deals with Russian hackers brokered by WWE stars Lana and Rusev.

A new batch of leaked emails reveals that Rusev bribed election officials to “crush” Trump’s rival, Hillary Clinton, while Lana coquettishly distracted election watchdogs by flaunting her curves in a red miniskirt.

Trump has denied the allegations — “I don’t know Rusev, I’ve never met Rusev” — but his Twitter account reveals numerous tweets bearing the hashtag #machka, which is Rusev’s unofficial motto.

The scandal runs deep, apparently linking Trump and Rusev to Comet Ping Pong Pizza in Washington, where (according to the Facebook page of former wrestler Val Venis) a sick cabal of global elites worship Satan, cannibalize children and, most horrifyingly of all, repeatedly watch reruns of Thunder in Paradise.

Other nefarious secrets revealed in the latest batch of Wikileaks documents:

  • The McMahon limo bombing was perpetrated by Trish Stratus, as revenge for the barking-like-a-dog incident.
  • Paul Heyman still owes Tommy Dreamer $8.24 in ECW royalties
  • Irwin R. Schyster has not released his taxes in years, pending a “routine audit”
  • It was Dave Hebner who screwed Bret, not Earl
  • In exchange for giving up the “WWF” acronym, Vince McMahon has the permission of the World Wildlife Fund to personally slaughter one panda bear each year

In typical fashion, Trump took to Twitter to deny the connection to Rusev and Lana: “These claims are rediculous, so rediculous. Fake news. Bigly fake.”