intercontinental
President Trump insists citizens of Canada and South America “need to get their own championship and stop mooching ours.”

WWE Hall of Famer and US “President” Donald Trump further ramped-up his isolationist rhetoric today by signing an executive order demanding that the WWE Intercontinental Championship — which has hitherto represented all of North and South America — become the America First Championship.

“Like NAFTA and NATO, the Intercontinental Championship has been a very bad deal for America, very bad, believe me, so bad, and it stops now,” Trump tweeted this morning. “From now on, that championship will be defended on American soil, by American heroes like Zolph Diggler (sic).”

Having recently launched a trade war with Canada and clamped down on immigration from anywhere south of Texas, Trump is now pressuring WWE to ban all illegal foreign objects, impose tariffs on members of the Hart family, and erase all footage of the Mexicools from the WWE Network.

Trump was reportedly “furious” today to learn that the Intercontinental Championship was launched at a tournament in Rio De Janeiro [footage unavailable], and even angrier to learn that it was won by a homosexual Canadian.

According to sources within the White House, Trump may soon sign another executive order demanding that World Wrestling Entertainment be renamed America Wrestling Entertainment.