Tonight’s episode of WWE Raw will begin with a touching tribute to the late Arenthal James (AJ) Styles, who met an untimely demise last night when he was buried alive in a grotesque televised spectacle of depravity called WrestleMania. 

Teary-eyed sports-entertainers will gather on the Raw stage, six feet apart, as the ring bell is tolled in memory of Styles, who was only 51. 

Although criminal charges have not been laid, it is widely believed that The Undertaker (real name Cab Calaway) is criminally responsible for Styles’ passing, given that millions watched the Undertaker dump a backhoe load of dirt onto Styles’ lifeless body. 

Conspiracy theories already circulating the dark web suggest that Styles may in fact be alive, due to the televised sight of his gloved hand reaching above the soil of his earthen tomb. 

Sadly, such wishful thinking is not true. After Styles was rushed to a local medical facility, a doctor thrice raised Styles’ limp arm, and thrice it fell lifelessly, thus indicating that Styles was gone.