In a cost-cutting measure to offset the cost of re-introducing pyrotechnics to its live events, World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) pre-recorded its Survivor Series event last night immediately following the conclusion of last night’s NXT TakeOver — and we have the exclusive results!

If you’re avoiding spoilers for “tonight’s” “live” “pay-per-view,” then you’d better stop reading, because we have the full rundown of the card, top-to-bottom.

And believe us: Survivor Series will be much more exciting and hard-hitting than that NXT snorefest last night (what a mess of rest holds and low-spots, am I right?).

Here’s what fans will see when they watch the taped Survivor Series tonight:

  • Adam Cole, having breezed through TakeOver without enduring a single “bump,” will easily defeat Pete Dunne (formerly of the tag team Well Dunne). In a post-match celebration, Cole will get the hug from his father, Michael Cole, that both have been yearning for since becoming estranged during Cole’s heel commentator years.
  • The Fiend will defeat Daniel Bryan, but only after outside interference from the Fiend’s happy-go-lucky little brother, The Friend, who sprays Bryan in the face with water from a lapel daisy.
  • Roderick Strong defeats AJ Styles and Shinsuke Nakamura, as always. #RoderickWinsLOL
  • Team Raw (Seth Todd Rollins, Randy Orton, Drew McIntyre [formerly of 3MB], Randy Orton, Rick O’Shea, and NXT rookie Kevin Owens) battle two a 10-minute time-limit draw against Team Smackdown (Shorty G, Baldy C, The Big D, Brawny S, and Mustafa Ali) and Team NXT (The Undiscovered Era, The Velvety Dream, and Lonely Orca).
  • In an all-women Survivor Series Match, Team Raw (Charlotte, Asuka, Kairi Sane, Sarah Logan and flatulent Natalya) win by referee stoppage due to extreme violence with thumbtacks and barbed wire in a bloody battle with Team Smackdown (Sasha Cross, Nikki Brooke, Sharmella, Evan Lacy, and Nikki Sixx).
  • The Viking Raiding Experience score an upset countout victory against The New Day and the Undistinguished Era (Booby Fish and Kylo Renly)
  • CM Punk defeats Cody Rhodes (dark match)
  • Becky Lynch deafeats Shayna Baszler and Bayley in a freestyle rap-off
  • Rey Mysterio destroys Brock Lesnar by giving him a taste of his own medicine: 29 consecutive German suplexes

You heard it here first! Now buy a goddamn t-shirt. They’re on sale today only. Hurry!



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