Described for decades by professional wrestling commentators as “unforgiving,” a WWE steel cage has finally evolved the capacity to let bygones be bygones.
A spokesperson for the cage, identified only as Dr. Marion S., said many hours of therapy helped the cage “come to the realization that, although it has a steel exterior, it has a heart of gold.”
The spokesperson explained that the cage has forgiven Kane for ripping its door off on his debut, forgiven Mick Foley for crashing through its roof, and forgiven the members of the ring crew who cut foot-holes in its side to allow Shane McMahon to do stupid things from its ledge.
The cage’s newfound empathy is part of an ongoing process by which WWE is becoming a kinder, gentler, more inclusive work environment for people of all genders, races, and facepaints.
Following the cage’s example, a coalition of steel chairs announced that they are “learning to forgive,” and the steel ring steps are “remorseful” for recently hurting Braun Strowman’s arm.
The ring apron, however, stands by its reputation — oft-hollered by commentators — as the “hardest part of the ring.”