Leaked financial documents appear to show Satan, the Prince of Darkness, has acquired sports-entertainment company World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) for a reported $44.2 billion USD.
The deal was reportedly completed at the stroke of midnight last night, causing the moon to turn blood red over Stamford, CT, and sparking significant fluctuations in WWE stock prices and the upsetting the universe’s imbalance of evil over good.
“I’ve admired Vince (McMahon) for years,” said the Dark Lord of Hades, “and now seemed like the right time to follow in his footsteps. I hope I can do him proud!”
The news of Lucifer’s purchase of WWE emerged amid rampant rumours that WWE had been purchased by Saudi Arabia, which were later revealed to be one of the devil’s many deceptions of humanity.
Satan, who is known for his love of theatrics and spectacle and pyrotechnics, stated that he is excited to bring his vision to the WWE — starting with his decree that “from now on, every match will be a Hell in a Cell match.”
The devil has reportedly wanted to get involved in WWE ever since his nemesis, God, tag-teamed with Shawn Michaels.
Pro wrestling fans and pundits believe that, under Satan’s leadership, WWE will likely become a little less evil than under McMahon’s reign.