Former professional football player and animal abuser Michael Vick filed papers in a Tennessee courtroom today alleging that Kane Jacobs-Bearer, mayor of Knox County, was complicit in the mysterious death and possible postmortem defilement of Vick’s sister, Katie.
According to court documents, Vick “is in possession of video footage that appears to show Mr. Jacobs-Bearer climbing atop the deceased Ms. Vick in her funeral casket.”
Michael Vick is no stranger to courtrooms, having been convicted for his role in staging “Kennel From Hell” matches on his property and abusing dogs, which means he has earned his eternal place in Hell’s boiling sulphuric Lake of Fire.
In a statement issued today, Michael Vick called the wrongful death of his sister “the most heinous act ever committed by a professional athlete — aside from that unconscionable dogfighting ring I ran, suppose.”
Defence experts who have reviewed the video evidence say that, while the tape does depict a man somewhat matching the mayor’s appearance, his face is obscured by a mask, and the man in the video does not appear to be as tall as Mr. Jacobs-Bearer (height: freakish).
A source for the prosecution, identified only as Hunter H.H. to protect his anonymity, said the mayor is “a murderrrrerrrr,” but his credibility is being called into question amid allegations that he married his wife by drugging and abducting her.
Some experts have even theorized that not only is Mr. Jacobs-Bearer innocent of any wrongdoing, but he was actually framed by the mysterious Hunter H.H.