black hole algorithm katie
Lancelot “Lanny” Poffo says black holes decay due to a process called quantum leapin’.

The world was captivated this week when scientists from the Event Horizon Telescope (EHT) revealed humanity’s first-ever image of a black hole, but much of the ensuing media coverage failed to acknowledge the true genius behind the discovery, Dr. Lancelot “Lanny” Poffo, PhD.

Dr. Poffo — a renowned scholar and professional wrestler — not only wrote the sophisticated computer algorithms required to capture the landmark image, but he also developed theoretical models predicting the shape of the black hole would “appear like an orange frisbee with a limerick taped to its underside.”

Although black holes are widely believed to have been theorized by Albert Einstein as a consequence of general relativity, it was actually Dr. Poffo who first described the curvature of spacetime as a “squared circle.”

Dr. Poffo also invented the so-called “black hole slam” — a dynamic gravitational interaction of matter with a cosmic Abyss.

In a seminal 1984 paper in Physical Review Letters, Dr. Poffo described a black hole’s “main-event horizon,” a point-of-no-return “from which nothing — not even John Cena — can kick out.”

Dr. Poffo’s paper concludes:

There once was a cosmic colossus, 

Weighing six billion solar masses, 

Bigger than Big Show,

Sucking harder than Al Snow, 

It could kick all your candy asses. 





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