starrcade
Vince McMahon had hoped to watch The Haunting of Hill House tonight.

Sports-entertainment impresario Vince McMahon, along with an estimated 82 percent of WWE fans, expressed befuddlement today upon learning that an event called Starrcade is airing tonight on the WWE Network.

“Whose decision was this?” an enraged McMahon hollered to a boardroom of executives at WWE’s Connecticut headquarters. “Goddamn, pal, did we not just have Survivor Series last weekend?!?

WWE has faced criticism in recent years for over-saturating the market with too many pay-per-view events; in addition to theĀ  the so-called Big Four (WrestleMania, Royal Rumble, Summerslam, Backlash), WWE added numerous new events to the schedule this year, including Evolution, Crown Jewel, The Greatest Royal Rumble, Insurgence, The Greatest In Your House 10: Mind Games, and WWE Bound for Glory.

Starrcade, of course, has a long and distinguished legacy in professional wrestling, debuting with “Starrcade: A Flair for the Gold” in 1983, best known for the epic showdown that saw The Assassins defeat Rufus R. Jones and Bugsy McGraw.

The Starrcade brand went dormant after Starrcade 2000 — notable for the classic battle between General Hugh G. Rection and Shane Douglas — and Vince McMahon had presumed it was gone forever, until hearing about the event airing tonight.

“What’s next?!” McMahon hollered, “are we going to revive goddamn Bash at the Beach?”

No one was courageous enough to tell McMahon that The Greatest Bash at the Beach is scheduled for next March in Pyongyang, North Korea.