Matt hardy
Matt Hardy says he will stay at home, playing piano, until his suspension is ovah.

Although he claims to be “woken” and more cognitively attuned than ever, professional wrestler Matthieu “Matt” Hardy has been hit with a 60-day suspension in accordance with WWE’s Mental Wellness Policy.

A test administered by a WWE psychologist deemed Hardy “crazier than a pet coon,” which requires a suspension, a mandatory period of psychiatric rehab, and limited access to grand pianos, riding lawnmowers, and/or drone helicopters.

Whereas WWE’s standard Wellness Policy monitors sports-entertainers to curb the use of recreational and performance-enhancing drugs, the lesser-known Mental Wellness Policy aims to curb lunacy of all varieties.

Wrestlers who have previously been suspended under the policy include Super Crazy, Damien Demento, Sycho Sid, and Mad Dog Buzz Sawyer.

Hardy is expected to spend his suspension at his Family Compound in North Carolina, where his recovery will be overseen by his trusted gardener, Senor Benjamin.

In response to the suspension, Hardy this morning released the following video message, which he says “explains everything”: