kurt lars sullivan
Kurt Angle has vowed for days he will never wrestle again, but today he announced a long-awaited comeback.

Fans of sports-entertainment are abuzz today with the announcement that Kurt Angle, who hasn’t competed in a World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) ring for literally days, will finally dust off the old stars-and-stripes singlet and come out of retirement.

Angle, who still seems to be in good physical condition despite his days-long hiatus from competition, vowed revenge against Gene “Lars Sullivan” Snitsky, who attacked the Olympic gold medalist this past Monday on WWE Raw.

“Oh it’s true,” Angle said, addressing the rumors that he will make a triumphant and long-awaited return to the squared circle. “It is factually correct! I mean, it’s damn true. Sorry, I’ve been retired so long, I almost forgot my catch-phrase!”

Much has changed in sports-entertainment since Angle last set foot in a ring: Dean Ambrose has left WWE, the women’s championships have become unified or something, and 17 Spanish-language announce tables have met their end.

Some fans believe Angle will suffer from “ring rust” due to his long absence from the ring, but they’re also confident that a rusty Kurt Angle can still defeat a gleaming-new Gene “Lars Sullivan” Snitsky any day.


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