Astrology continues to gain popularity among millennials, proving that we are indeed living in a post-truth dystopia where reason and logic are forsaken for nonsensical populist claptrap.
But since the corporate bigwigs at our parent company, Namaguchi Fisheries and Industrial Lubricants, are more concerned about the bottom line than journalistic integrity, here’s the new Kayfabe NewsHoroscopes feature!
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
A new business opportunity will result in a potentially lucrative career move for you, but it will all fall apart when the contract signing devolves into a brouhaha in which you are thrown through a table.
Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Exciting things are in store for Capricorns, with the plane of Venis rising in the south. If you just keep on tagging her in tweets, Ruby Riott is bound to acknowledge you with a like, or perhaps block you. But either way, she will have temporarily noticed you, which is the first big step toward a long and happy marriage. Keep tweeting.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Despite having spent most of your life watching your favourite wrestlers perform moves like moonsaults and hurricaranas, you’ll discover the hard way this week that such maneuvers are not only ineffective in a bar brawl, but quite painful to the person attempting them.
Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You will experience and emotional rough patch with your significant other after she mistakenly refers to AEW as TNA, leading you to question every decision you’ve made in your life thus far.
Aries | March 21 to April 19
Love is in the air! Not for you, of course, but Lashley and Lana seem happy. If they can find love, why can’t you? The answer is that you smell. You could work on your personality a bit, too.
Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Don’t let an authority figure damage your ego by calling you a “b-plus player.” Take it as a complement because, let’s be honest, you’re barely a c-plus player at best.
Gemini | May 21 to June 20
Wrestling fans are categorized as “marks” (people who gullibly believe it all), “smart fans” (those who understand the inner workings of the spectacle), and “smarks” (smart fans who play along by suspending disbelief. You like to think of yourself as a smark. Sure, keep believing in yourself champ.
Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Let him in. Run.
Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
After years of dreaming about being a WWE Superstar, you sign up to train at a wrestling school. Things don’t unfold quite as hoped, however, when you break your wrist after tripping over the bottom rope while entering the ring for your first lesson. Unfortunately, the $3,000 tuition is non-refundable, but you’re allowed to keep the t-shirt they gave you.
Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You are a wrestling fan. Your star sign is Virgo, the virgin. Can you believe some people think astrology is bunk?
Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Following years of procrastination, you finally decide to launch your wrestling podcast, The WrestleChat Hour. Unfortunately, you struggle to find an audience, given the somewhat crowded market of 9,249,482 other wrestling podcasts out there.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
No matter what you do, Scorpio, you will always feel too cold.