German Chancellor Angela Merkel issued a stern “cease and desist” order this morning to World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE), demanding that wrestler Brock Lesnar curb his near-constant use of Germany’s beloved national suplex.
“The German Suplex has a long and proud history, which Mr. Lesnar is diminishing by his incessant use of the maneuver,” Merkel said at a press conference.
Added Merkel: “Even more egregious, Mr. Lesnar often uses the term ‘bitch’ when discussing the suplex, which is offensive to our national heritage. Unacceptable.”
The German Suplex was invented during the 11th century by warriors of the Hohenstaufen empire, who employed the belly-to-back throw against soldiers of the Sicilian Marellas in the 1268 Battle of Tagliocozzo.
The maneuver later contributed to the Prussian victory in the Austro-Prussian war, was then outlawed by Adolf Hitler for being “too huggy,” and was later reintroduced to German combat sports by Carl Gotch, Fritz Von Erich and, most famously, Alex Wright.
Lesnar has not publicly responded to Merkel, but sources close to him said he reacted to the news by shrieking like a pterodactyl and angrily flipping a cement truck.