During a recent episode of Impact Wrestling on [CHANNEL UNKNOWN], Rob Van Dam, 52, half-heartedly defeated his opponent with an unremarkable Two-Star Frog Splash.
Van Dam (real name Robert Van Winkle) shrugged lackadaisically before ascending to the second turnbuckle and jumping — or, more accurately, falling — onto opponent Samuel “Sami” Callihan.
In his younger, more sprightly days, Van Dam would “sell” the impact of his own maneuver by flopping about like a freshly caught trout and holding his abdomen, but this time he merely went limp and sighed deeply, exhibiting the general malaise that typically comes with middle age.
Veteran wrestling journalist Dan Mutzler, who was in attendance, gave the maneuver a two-star rating, though admitted it would have earned four stars had it occurred in Tokyo.
Following his unspectacular victory, Van Dam grabbed the microphone, frowned, declared himself the “Partial F’n Show,” and slowly walked to the locker room, where he scratched-off several lotto tickets without success.
One fan reported that Van Dam’s eyes appeared bloodshot, his posture slouched, and his faded airbrushed singlet smelled like a Phish concert.