World Wrestling Entertainment’s so-called Wellness Policy, which screens superstars for the use of banned substances, does not test for sexually transmitted diseases — much to the relief of promiscuous wrestler Dean Ambrose.
Ambrose was nervous after submitting a urine sample to WWE medics yesterday, not because he has taken any performance-enhancing drugs or recreational narcotics, but because of the burning sensation he felt while urinating.
The leader of The Shield is a brazen anti-hero whose “bad boy” allure attracts plenty of attention from female fans, allowing Ambrose to seduce groupies, or “ring rats,” in cities around the world.
During one such instance of extra-curricular coitus, Ambrose contracted a scorching case of herpes, which he treats with a special shampoo that he hides from his Shield brethren.
Although Ambrose’s recent Wellness Policy test came back clean, several fellow wrestlers have noticed him agitatedly scratching his groin area.
These wrestlers have asked Ambrose to kindly refrain from utilizing the leg-scissors maneuver, due to its close head-to-groin proximity.