World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) announced at a press conference in Stamford this morning that, in an effort to “spice things up,” the company is discontinuing ladder matches in favour of substantially more difficult and amusing greased-pole bouts.
“The era of the ladder match is, quite frankly, passé,” said WWE Chairman Vince McMahon. “Quite frankly, the new greased-pole format will, quite frankly, give fans the action, thrills, and slapstick stupidity that they crave, quite frankly.”
The rules of a greased-pole match will be similar to those of a ladder match: competitors must ascend an awkward and dangerous structure, aggravatingly slowly, to retrieve a championship belt dangling above the ring.
But the slippery greased pole — lubricated with baby oil, Bret Hart’s unused hair slime from the 1990s, and the drippings from Dean Ambrose’s wrung-out tank-tops — will make retrieving the belts much more difficult and preposterous.
McMahon also announced several other new match types that WWE will unveil over the coming months:
- Hell in a Bouncy Castle
- First Man Standing
- Bra and Panties Barbed Wire Deathmatch
- Falls Count Nowhere
- Tables, Greased Poles and Chairs
According to backstage rumors, the inaugural greased-pole match will pit Charlotte against her father Ric Flair (who claims to have had his pole greased thousands of times).