The Road to WrestleMania begins this Sunday with WWE Fastlane, and our panel of experts has compiled this list of predictions that we suppose you can read if you truly don’t have something more worthwhile to do with your time.
Universal Championship: Kevin Owens (champion) versus Goldberg
It seems pretty obvious that Goldberg is going to emerge as the victor from this one, thereby reinforcing his reputation as an unstoppable foe for Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania, but don’t you think you could be reading a great work of literature or something right now?
Roman Reigns versus Braun Strowman
Strowman’s monster push won’t come to an end tonight, and WWE is hoping to build babyface sympathy for Reigns, but does this actually matter when you could be spending time with family right now instead? When’s the last time you told your mother you love her? Give her a call.
Samoa Joe versus Sami Zayn
Joe will assert his dominance by decimating Zayn and, wait — are you still reading this? You realize there are full university courses online for free, right?
Neville versus Jack Gallagher
The British guy will win. Hey, when’s the last time you hauled your tubby tuchus onto a treadmill, huh?
Charlotte versus Bayley
Wait, have you even had a shower today? Brushed your teeth? You know what? For your sake, we’re just going to stop here. Get your act together, man. Carpe Diem.