In a shocking breakthrough, World Wrestling Entertainment has achieved the holy grail of biomedical research — a cure for cancer.
The sports entertainment juggernaut announced at a press conference today that it had not only raised $1 million for breast cancer research, but had actually cured the disease altogether.
This remarkable result, which has eluded biomedical science for centuries, demonstrates the multi-faceted nature of WWE, which aims to be much more than a pro wrestling promotion.
“WWE doesn’t do anything half-assed,” said company leader Vince McMahon at a press conference this morning in Stamford, CT.
“We said we would lay the smack down on cancer, and once again we delivered.”
Scientists are baffled by how seemingly simple measures — John Cena wearing pink merchandise, and the use of a pink middle rope in WWE rings — resulted in such an important and sought-after result.
The breakthrough is one of several recent public-relations coups for WWE. Several months ago, WWE managed to completely eradicate the worldwide problem of bullying.