World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) reached another important milestone today, as its Human Resources department announced that its complement of commentary staff is now larger than its roster of in-ring performers.
The announcement comes after a months-long hiring spree aimed at rectifying the historical under-representation of commentators on WWE’s payroll.
“Commentators have struggled against discriminatory hiring practices for decades, but we have now achieved equity in the workplace,” said Corey Graves (a.k.a. Commentator 47). “This is a victory for commentators everywhere.”
Sources close to Joey Styles — who commentated solo for years — say he sobbed tears of joy upon hearing that future generations of commentators will never face the discrimination he did.
Tonight’s Elimination Chamber event will feature 18 in-ring performers, and the following 24 commentators:
- Michael Cole
- Jerry Lawler
- Renee Young
- Byron Saxton
- Austin Aries
- Cathy Kelly
- Charly Caruso
- Percy Watson
- Funaki (Japanese)
- David Otunga (Legalese)
- Mauro Ranallo (Enthusiasm)
- Dasha Fuentes (Eye Candy)
- Lil Jimmy (Telepathy)
- Marcelo Rodriguez (Spanish)
- Sebastien Hackl (German)
- Vince McMahon (Whatamaneuver)
- Luke Harper (Yeahyeahyeahyeah)
- Booker T (Gibberish)
- Kellyanne Conway (Alternative Facts)
- Lanny Poffo (Rhyming Couplets)
- Nigel McGuinness (Britishese)
Bobby Heenan will watch at home, shaking his head in frustration because nobody is doing it right.