Sports-entertainment juggernaut World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) announced today that it has officially become a training, or “developmental,” league to groom future presidents of the United States.
During a press conference this morning at the company’s Stamford headquarters, Chairman Vince McMahon announced that a so-called “Political Performance Center” in Florida will train promising upstarts from the independent political circuit to become leaders of government.
The announcement follows the election of WWE Hall of Famer Donald JimmyJam Trump — whose utter lack of political experience was counterbalanced by braggadocio and “heel heat” — and this week’s revelation that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (best known as the cousin of Roman Reigns) may run for office.
Linda McMahon is already a member of Trump’s cabinet, and rumor has it that Melania Trump is angling for a position on Total Divas.
Among the up-and-coming “indy politicians” who will train at the Political Performance Center in coming years:
- Longtime U.S. tax attorney Irwin R. Schyster, to be called-up to become head of Internal Revenue Service
- Paul Heyman will become Supreme Ruler of the World from 2024 to 3128.
- Kevin Owens will get sent to developmental to train for officially becoming the New Face of America (and, time permitting, Prime Minister of Canada)
According to leaked emails obtained by the New York Times, all trainees at the Political Performance Center will receive support via collusion from Rusev and Lana.