So we were totally planning to write a blow-by-blow report on WWE Battleground, but we completely spaced on the date and got drunk watching Full House instead, so here’s our rundown of what presumably happened.
Pre-show — Breezango vs. The Usos
Obviously the Usos won by disqualification due to outside interference from Breezango’s debuting manager, Rico.
Charlotte and Dana Brooke vs. Sasha Banks and Mystery Partner
The capacity crowd went wild when Banks revealed the identity of her partner: JoJo. Banks and JoJo emerged victorious after JoJo nailed Charlotte with 720-moonsault-hurricarana-powerbomb.
Wyatt Family vs. The New Day
After a one-hour time-limit draw, the teams realized they have enormous respect for one another, embraced in a tear-filled group hug, and walked up the aisle hand-in-hand.
Rusev vs. Zack Ryder
Rusev won easily with The Accolade, but was then attacked by a returning Kurt Angle. They telegraphed that one for months.
Sami Zayn vs. Kevin Owens
Bathroom break filler. These ham-and-eggers couldn’t wrestle their way out of a wet paper bag.
Natalya vs. Becky Lynch
Stopped early due to extreme blood loss after Becky hurled Natalya into the flaming light-tube log cabin at ringside.
The Miz vs. Darren Young
Bob Backlund somehow won.
John Cena, Enzo Amore and Big Cass vs. The [REDACTED] Club
Two-minute squash match with Cena pinning AJ Styles clean after a particularly stiff Five-Knuckle Shuffle.
Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins vs. Roman Reigns
Cancelled due to lack of interest.
So, how did we do?