Fans of professional wrestling worldwide are united in celebration today to mark the 60th consecutive day that hip-hop “artist” Machine Gun Kelly has not appeared on World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) programming.
Dancing and partying in the streets of major cities — Tokyo, Madrid, Buenos Aires, Truth or Consequences — has escalated nightly since the tone-deaf stick figure was ousted from WWE by Kevin Owens.
Owens is being lauded as an international hero for powerbombing the unwanted interloper off the Raw stage onto an incongruous padded rectangle, from which Kelly recovered infuriatingly quickly.
It is widely believed that, if Kelly remains absent from WWE for a whole year, the occasion will be declared an international holiday and the Vatican canonize Owens as a saint.
Machine Gun Kelly (or MGK, or “Oh God Not Him Again,” as most wrestling refer to him) is feared to be hiding with Kevin Federline, training to be a tag team.
He is best known for ruining WrestleMania 28, and is expected to be inducted into the new WWE Hall of Shame alongside Flo Rida, Mantaur, and former “Real American” hero [NAME DELETED].