To avoid the inevitable headaches that accompany live broadcasting, World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) pre-taped its annual WrestleMania extravaganza yesterday, and will air an edited version of it on the WWE Network tonight. 

If you’re trying to avoid spoilers, you should stop reading right now, because Kayfabe News has obtained an exclusive leaked summary of the results. 

If you really must know what happened in advance, read on, but try to act surprised when you watch the event tonight!

Neville vs. Austin Aries

Aries wins via count-out after gravity suddenly forgets Neville again and he floats away, eventually to be rescued by a blimp high above Orlando. 

Andre the Giant Battle Royal

As everyone has already predicted, the victor is Viktor. So predictable.

Bray Wyatt vs. Randy Orton

Wyatt wins via disqualification after Orton burns down the ring, several concession stands, and most of the Epcot Center. 

Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Owens

The match is declared a no-contest when Jericho and Owens, after three minutes of grappling, realize they still love one another and they agree to never squabble again. They skip arm-in-arm up the ramp and head to an Orlando ice cream shop to split a milkshake with two straws. 

Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles 

Styles gets the pin after McMahon narrowly misses an elbow drop from a helicopter hovering 3,000 feet over the stadium. 

Gallows & Anderson vs. Sheamus & Cesaro vs. Amore & Cass

The match reaches time-limit draw while Amore is still shouting puns at his opponents in his pre-match diatribe. 

John Cena and Nikki Bella vs. Miz and Maryse

Cena stops the match to propose marriage to Bella. Then an elaborate wedding ceremony is held in the middle of the ring, with the entire WWE roster in attendance. Like all in-ring weddings, it is a beautiful, touching ceremony that unfolds exactly as planned. Not a dry eye in the house. 

Seth Rollins vs. Triple H

As reported yesterday, Rollins heeds his doctor’s advice and stays home. Triple H instead faces, and defeats, the entire NXT roster. 

Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns

Cancelled to make extra time for a 40-minute concert by Flo Rida, Machine Gun Kelly, Poo Diddly, DJ Scuzzy WooWoo, and a bunch of other “musical” performers that precisely zero percent of fans wanted to see in the first place. 

Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg

Goldberg somehow wins via pinfall in two seconds, which should be impossible, but the commentators shrug it off and start promoting WrestleMania 34. 

 

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