Throughout 2014, Kayfabe News brought you the most incisive, hard-hitting, impeccably researched journalism in the world (aside, of course, from Fox News).
Here are 10 of the most groundbreaking, earth-shatteringly important stories of the year, each of which will surely win a Pulitzer Prize just as soon as the Pulitzer committee adds a wrestling journalism category.
Is your favorite story not on the list? Share it and tag us on Facebook, Twitter or (most importantly) TOUT.
Professional wrestler John Cena, already renowned for his tireless charitable work, went above-and-beyond this afternoon by granting a Make-A-Wish hospital visit to his injured self.
“Hang in there, champ,” Cena told Cena, who was hospitalized after injuring his ankle during a WWE live event last night in Roanoke, Virginia.
Khali unequivocally stated that he will he will “nuggahhh eggahh” return to WWE, which Cabana (who is fluent in Punjabi, albeit with a strong Illinois accent) translated as “never ever.”
Professional wrestler Bray Wyatt issued a public apology this morning for his peculiar behavior in recent months, assuring fans he is now back on his psychiatric medication and feeling normal again.
“I really went off the deep end for a while there,” said a shaven, showered, and well-dressed Wyatt.
“Sorry about all that. My bad.”
“In hindsight, we realize it was not a good idea,” said Randall McPherson, a spokesperson for the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
When former Shield teammate Seth Rollins attempted to explain to Ambrose that WWE’s month-long campaign is about breast cancer, not just breasts, Ambrose hit Rollins in the face with hot dog and dashed away, laughing maniacally.
Fans who witnessed the match reported that Lesnar looked “tired,” presumably from his endless string of house-show title defences — a gruelling schedule that has given Lesnar the reputation as WWE’s “fightingest champion of all time.”
After waking from a 20-year coma, avid wrestling fan Terry Greer expressed confusion and dismay at the realization that Terra Ryzing wields executive power over World Wrestling Entertainment.
Greer opened his eyes and saw WWE Raw on the television above his hospital bed — a program his family members diligently turned on every Monday night in hopes that it would rouse him from his vegetative slumber.
In a raspy whisper, the long-bearded Greer spoke his first words since 1994: “Is… is… is that… Terra Ryzing?”
“Traffic was terrible,” said the enigmatic star following his much-anticipated appearance at Survivor Series.
“We can’t have these hungry young talents making stars like main-roster Ryback look clunky by comparison,” said WWE COO Hunter Hearst Helmsley during a conference call with media. “He’s doing a fine job of that by himself.”
The rod’s inability to talk or move of its own volition is not expected to impede its guest-hosting abilities, since such limitations didn’t seem to deter Betty White or Kevin Federline.