After a tumultuous few years, Total Nonstop Action (TNA) Wrestling has landed a new home for its weekly Impact Wrestling program, having sealed the deal in exchange for a satchel of magic beans.
TNA President Dixie Carter jubilantly announced the new deal after receiving the beans from a passing merchant.
“The merchant from Popland said these beans will allow TNA to grow into the world’s top wrestling promotion,” Carter said during a press conference Thursday.
Carter said she was instructed to plant the magic beans outside a Florida soundstage and wait for the arrival of a sorcerer named The Great Russo, who will guide TNA to the apex of the wrestling industry.
Although some fans are skeptical as to whether the beans will work, Carter says she is now “far more confident” than the time she was convinced by a duplicitous coyote to buy an Acme Six-Sided Ring.
[Wisecrackery aside: Go kick some ass, TNA. We kid because we love.]