southpaw wrestlingSeemingly unaware that it is a spoof of territory-based professional wrestling of the 1980s, media mogul Ted Turner has decided to “get back into the rasslin’ business” with his purchase Southpaw Regional Wrestling. 

The 78-year-old billionaire, who owned World Championship Wrestling (WCW) until the promotion’s 2001 sale to Vince McMahon, reportedly paid $300 million for Southpaw, not realizing that it is just a satirical YouTube series starring current WWE talent in bad wigs and loud sportcoats.  

In a statement issued from his Atlanta office, Turner said “Southpaw is rasslin’ the way it should be — honest and southern, not like that namby-pampy cartoon stuff Vince (McMahon) is doing up there in New York.”

According to sources close to Turner, he is considering a number of “improvements” to the Southpaw brand, including:

  • Changing the name from “Southpaw Regional Wrestling” to “Uncle Ted’s Hee-Haw Hoedown Country Rasslin’ Hootenanny and Clambake.”
  • Commentator Lance Catamaran will be joined by Tony Shiavone, which will surely put butts in seats
  • Southpaw will go live, head-to-head, against WWE Monday Night Raw (though Turner has not yet realized why this in an impossibility). 
  • The weekly program will be titled Monday Night Brouhaha, and each episode will culminate with a live performance by Boz Scaggs, Billy Ray Cyrus, and the surviving members of the West Texas Rednecks.  

A number of people close to Turner have reportedly tried to tell him that Southpaw Regional Wrestling is a fake promotion, but he has shrugged off their concerns by responding that “all rasslin’ is fake, dummies.”

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