Vince McMahon promised last week to “shake things up” in World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE), and the evil genius kept his word today by announcing the draft of Universal Champion Brock Lesnar to cruiserweight showcase 205 Live. 

“Anything can happen in the WWE,” cackled McMahon during a press conference in Stamford this morning, “because I am God here! [maniacal laughter]”

Sources close to McMahon report that the sports-entertainment mogul has not slept in days, and has become increasingly erratic in his desire to disrupt order and normalcy in WWE. 

McMahon, who was clad in pinstripe pajamas and clutching an Outback Jack action figure for the duration of the press conference, also announced the following spoilers for tonight’s so-called Superstar Shake-Up:

• Braun Strowman has been added to the cast of Total Divas
• Sami Zayn will be repackaged as a masked luchador named El Specifico
• John Cena and Nikki Bella will get married inside the Punjabi Prison, with Rico officiating
• Triple H will battle a returning Hornswoggle, and the winner will inherit the McMahon fortune
• The Usos will be surgically re-conjoined to become Umaga

Although some fans are beginning to wonder whether McMahon has lost his mind, sources close to the McMahon family insist that happened decades ago.