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Quantum physics explained for wrestling fans

Wrestling squared circle

Albert Einstein was a Poffo-like genius, but struggled for most of his career to understand how a circle can also be squared.

While countless wrestling fans are well-versed in trivia about the sport — first Intercontinental Champion (Pat Patterson), real name of Hulk Hogan (Terry Hatcher), greatest wrestler ever (Mordecai) — most are woefully uninformed about the single most important scientific theory of the past century, quantum mechanics.

To help remedy this problem, the Kayfabe News Science Bureau has created this handy primer about quantum science, which is so easy even Eugene could understand it.

Quantum mechanics is the branch of physics that relates to subatomic particles like atoms, electrons, photons, and other high-flying cruiserweights of nature. 

It turns out that the subatomic realm behaves very differently than the world of our everyday experience, similar to how WrestleMania has a somewhat different feel than a Smackdown-brand Sunday matinee house show in Tallahassee. 

In the early 1900s, around the time that Frank Gotch and George Hackenschmidt squared off in one of pro wrestling’s most iconic showdowns, scientists began to “get smart” to the “work” of the universe. 

Albert Einstein, a genius of Poffo-like proportions, determined that the fabric of spacetime can be warped by massive objects, like how the ring collapses every goddamn time the Big Show gets superplexed. 

Einstein determined that time itself can speed up or slow down in relation to distance from massive objects, as evidenced by the way time seems to drag whenever Big Show is in the midst of a heel/face turn, or speed up when pint-sized Alexa Bliss is being filmed from behind. 

Other quantum pioneers, such as Neils Bohr and Erwin Schrodinger, determined that quantum states are indeterminate until observed, similar to how a dastardly heel’s rulebreaking does not exist unless directly observed by a referee. 

To demonstrate this idea, Schrodinger devised a now-famous thought experiment in which a cat in a box with a randomized poison trigger is simultaneously both alive and dead at the same time, much like how Vince McMahon was both alive and dead when his limousine exploded (until he was observed alive and unscathed the following week, presumably due to quantum teleportation). 

Among the counter-intuitive phenomena in quantum mechanics is something called entanglement, whereby two particles are intrinsically linked, such that when one particle in an entangled pair does something, its partner does exactly the same thing. Think of it like a double-dropkick by The Rock & Roll Express — when Gibson jumps, it seems Morton cannot help but also jump at precisely the same moment. 

Quantum science may seem obscure and confusing, like the ownership of TNA or any Ultimate Warrior promo, but quantum mechanics underlies practically every technology we use today, from the WWE App to the WWE Network to the Google algorithms that allow you to search “Diva nipple pics” after your seventh beer of the evening. 

Scientists are now developing ultra-powerful quantum computers that will harness quantum laws to make incredible information-processing advances, such as calculating the number of times Triple H has said “this business” (even the best supercomputers on Earth currently melt down trying to crunch that enormous number). 

We hope this guide has been helpful. Although quantum science may seem tricky, it’s no more mind-boggling than the question of why millions of people around the world tune in every week to watch greased-up musclemen play-fight in their underpants. 

 

 

 

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