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Pro wrestling now more realistic than reality

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Terrifyingly, the most sensible thing in this photograph is the image of The New Day.

A study published today by the Harvard Sociological Review concludes that, amid geopolitical chaos and the rise of so-called alternative facts, the real world is now measurably less realistic than professional wrestling.

“Wrestling has long been considered a larger-than-life pantomine — a caroonlike microcosm in which archetypes and prejudices collide in a simplistic moral paradigm,” says Prof. Robert Ponovich, lead author of the study.

“But now, reality is way crazier than even the Katie Vick storyline.”

The study compared recent current events to corresponding happenings in pro wrestling, and found that the former is consistently more unbelievable than the latter:

  • US President Donald Trump’s lies about the size of his inauguration crowd are even more preposterous than WWE’s claims about the size of Roman Reigns’ fanbase
  • The so-called Brexit was even more ill-conceived than WWE’s resurrection of the ECW brand
  • North Korea’s nuclear sabre-rattling is even more terrifying than the threat of the Undertaker facing Braun Strowman at WrestleMania

“WWE is a travelling circus of oiled-up musclemen and scantily clad women pretending to fight,” says Ponovich, “which is downright mundane compared to the last White House press conference.”

Perhaps most unsettling is the study’s conclusion that Enzo Amore and Big Cass are indeed the realest guys in the room.

 

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