American military forces scouring the remotest regions of the American Midwest are reportedly closing in on the whereabouts of Muhammad Hassan, the former professional wrestler who has been in hiding since 2005.
“We have reason to believe he is hiding somewhere in Michigan,” said U.S. Army Commander Lance McCreary during a press conference at the White House. “He can’t hide for much longer.”
Hassan is wanted on multiple charges of “crimes against humanity,” such as rudely interrupting professional wrestlers during their in-ring promos and delivering vaguely terrorist-like threats.
Commander McCreary said the manhunt for Hassan is a matter of the utmost importance for all Americans, and he used the press conference to deliver a message straight to Hassan: “Well you hurt my friends, and you hurt my pride. I gotta be a man, I can’t let it slide.”
The military has dismissed the widespread rumors that Hassan is actually a mild-mannered Italian man named Marc Copani.