National IQ average plummets as Total Divas returns - Kayfabe News twitter google

National IQ average plummets as Total Divas returns


Intelligence scores nationwide have already dropped drastically due to Total Divas.

A nationwide survey of “intelligence quotient” (IQ) scores has revealed a sudden and dramatic drop that seems to directly coincide with tonight’s second-season premiere of mindless “reality TV” program Total Divas.

The show, which chronicles the behind-the-scenes petty squabbles and romantic frivolities of World Wrestling Entertainment bimbos (or “Divas”), is believed to be responsible for a “general dumbening” of the American populace, according to a Harvard study released today.

“We have taken all variables into consideration,” said the study’s lead author, Dr. Randall Montgomery, “and we are left to conclude the airing of Total Divas causes an average nationwide drop in 11.7 IQ points. The rate is even higher during episodes that focus on Jo-Jo.”

The study indicated that prolonged exposure to Total Divas — in particular the empty-headed musings of airhead Eva Marie, and the romantic foibles of either Funkadactyl — can cause the viewer to revert to a kindergarten-level intelligence.

Strangely, the study also found that many viewers of Total Divas experienced a strengthening of one arm and wrist. This phenomenon is not yet fully understood, but seems to be correlated with a nationwide increase in Kleenex sales.

The Harvard scientists strongly urged all Americans to avoid watching Total Divas, and tune into Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s reboot of Cosmos instead.

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