Wrestling fans across North America achieved a collective milestone this morning when they dragged their slovenly selves out of bed and inadvertently witnessed a sunrise before turning on the WWE Network to watch a live event broadcast from Tokyo.
“Ugh,” they collectively grumbled, wiping dried mucus from the corners of their heavy eyes and begrudgingly watching the eastern horizon become bathed in a beautiful pink-orange glow.
“Christ it’s early,” the fans added in unison at approximately 5:27 a.m. EDT.
Having unwittingly glimpsed the majestic rising of our life-giving star, the wrestling fans collectively closed their curtains, sloppily poured bowls of Froot Loops, and flopped onto their sofas to watch WWE’s Beast in the East event.
Although they could have simply watched a later replay on the WWE Network, the majority chose to watch it live, unwilling to miss the chance to see Finn Balor appear in full makeup.
Several hours later, having witnessed both the dawning of a new day and the annihilation of New Day member Kofi Kingston, the wrestling fans agreed that “New Day sucks.”
At approximately 9 a.m. EDT, the wrestling fans all went back to bed for a six-hour nap, during which they all dreamed of getting stranded on a desert island with WWE Diva Paige.