A global audience of millions tuned in to WWE Monday Night Raw again this week, somehow undeterred by the unbearable Nickelback song that opens the program.
“We can’t explain it,” said Kenneth McMillan, a spokesperson for the Federal Communications Commission, which has been studying the effects of terrible music on television ratings.
“Viewership of Raw is consistently very strong, even though the show opens with that ridiculous Nickelback song,” McMillan continued. “It defies all logic.”
Hundreds of episodes of episodes of Raw have opened with Nickelback’s “Burn it to the Ground” — the epitome of the band’s overproduced, uninspired arena rock, which should only appeal to yuppie fratboys and over-tanned cougars who don’t know any better.
The FCC has concluded that lyrics of the song — ”We’re going out tonight (hey), to kick out every light (hey), take anything we want (hey), take everything in sight (hey)” — are so moronic that they make any in-ring promo that follows on Raw seem brilliant by comparison.
“It’s the only explanation,” said McMillan. “Otherwise we’re stumped.”