Just days after the much-hyped boxing match between Floyd “Money” Mayweather and Conor “Hornswoggle” McGregor, “the contract has been signed” for the duo to next face one again at WrestleMania, insists a disheveled man who won’t leave us alone in at the T.G.I. Fridays bar in the Buffalo International Airport. 

“Serioushly, it’sh totally gunna happen at WreshleMania in Noooorleans,” confirmed the reeking, bleary-eyed man, who claims he “knows somebody who knows somebody” backstage at World Wrestling Entertainment. 

“And thish time, McGregg’rs gunna win because, he, like, you know, got screwwwwed the firsht time. An’ it’s gunna be a hellinacell match, too, fer’real, mark my wordsh.”

WWE has neither confirmed nor denied the reports from the besotted man, which we can only assume is a tacit admission from the company that the rumors are indeed true. 

The blotchy and bloated man, whose “goddamn plane to Mishishshippi” was delayed by several hours, apparently has a number of very well-connected sources backstage at WWE, as he also revealed:

• “The firsht Ultimate Warrior is shtill alive, but hiding from the goverrrm’nt because he knowsh too muchsh”
• The infamous “Montreal Schcrewjob “was faked like the moon landingsh.”
• The Undertaker’s schtreak was only broken “because Vince is a-scared of Leshnar.”
• John Cena will “turn heel thish week, b’lee me, it’sh gunna happ’n.” 

The man dashed to the restroom to vomit before we could ask his name, but a luggage tag on his suitcase read “P. Patterson.”