Professional wrestling pundits are unanimous in their prediction that, with the crowning of a new WWE Universal Champion just around the corner, it is only a matter of time until The Rock decides he must belittle the champion by cracking wise about “Uranus.”
The consensus is that so-called People’s Champion will make copious rectal/astronomical puns on live television sometime within the next six weeks, unless he has a movie to promote sooner than that.
“It could happen as early as this Tuesday, as a way to boost ratings for SmackDown — and to make preadolescent boys laugh their heads off,” wrote veteran wrestling journalist Dan Mutzler.
Among the bawdy zingers The Rock is expected to employ:
- “The Rock is going to take that silly-looking red belt, shine it up real nice, turn that sumbitch sideways, and stick it straight up Uranus!”
- “Sheamus as Universal Champion? Hell naw, he’s just the Milky Way!”
- “The Universal Champion is gonna get my boot in his black hole!”
- “It doesn’t matter whether the universe resulted from quantum fluctuations in a singularity 14 billion years ago followed by a period of rapid inflation, or whether the cyclic theory of cosmology accurately describes an infinite series of universal expansions or contractions, you jabroni!”
The Rock is also expected to make many dick jokes.