In a noble display of patriotism, former professional wrestler Lex Luger has once again set out on a cross-country bus tour to rally American pride and speak out against dastardly Russian (well, Bulgarian) Rusev.
Luger is undeterred that the so-called Lex Express, a once-luxurious coach bedecked with the stars and stripes, has seen better days: the transmission is shot, the air-conditioning doesn’t work, and became infested with possums while parked for 20 years behind WWE’s Connecticut headquarters.
What’s more, Luger cannot afford to pay a driver — and WWE has refused to subsidize or endorse the bus journey in any way — so Luger is driving himself across country.
“None of that matters,” says the ever-optimistic (some would say narcissistic) Luger, whose once-rippling muscles have all but vanished under his leathery skin.
“What matters is that we put a stop to that evil commie and show him that America is the best country on earth — except for maybe Canada.”
Luger intends to culminate the Lex Express journey by bodyslamming a cardboard cutout of Rusev on an aircraft carrier.
The US Navy, however, issued a statement today confirming that Luger’s will be shot on sight if he attempts to board the USS Intrepid.