Unable to compete in the sport they were bred for, a herd of injured professional wrestlers were humanely euthanized today in accordance with WWE’s Unwellness Policy.
“It’s always a sad day when we have to put down a wrestler,” said WWE Chairman Vince McMahon during press conference at the company’s euthanasia clinic, The End-of-Performance Center.
“But ending their suffering is the most merciful thing we can do.”
A half-dozen lame-limbed wrestlers were put to sleep after a WWE’s Chief Veterinarian, Dr. Bob Ponovich, declared them unfit to return to the ring.
Following the procedure, their bodies were taken to a nearby rendering facility where they will be turned into the glue that holds together replica WWE championship belts.
A number of younger injured wrestlers were spared from euthanasia after they were deemed adoptable, and will stay at a Stamford shelter until they can be placed in a “forever home.”
Currently up for adoption are Daniel Bryan (described as as “an energetic goat who loves to bounce about”) and Sami Zayn (“a generic underdog who’ll unmask your heart”).