Tonight’s showdown between Bulgarian brute Rusev and Samoan schlemiel Roman Reigns will finally settle the much-debated question: who looks better with sopping wet hair and a goatee?
Although their match is ostensibly for the WWE United States Championship, fans of professional wrestling are less concerned with that perfunctory title and more interested in which man has superior grooming habits.
While Rusev’s anti-American sentiments tend to be quite unpopular, his glistening brown locks are widely admired for their natural waviness and lustre, and his expertly manscaped goatee is a hit with follicular enthusiasts.
Roman Reigns, however, has gradually built a loyal fanbase thanks to the extreme wetness of his long hair (which reportedly smells of lilacs thanks to expensive Moroccan conditioner), and his goateeing skills have increased dramatically since his days in The Shield.
According to backstage rumours, Reigns and Rusev will continue feuding until WrestleMania, at which point they will square off with the stipulation that the loser gets his head and face shaved.