Having alienated nearly all of his once-vast fanbase through years of poor decision-making and ill-advised comments, former professional wrestler Hulk Hogan is on the verge of losing his one remaining Hulkamaniac. 

Todd Polczuk, a 39-year-old telemarketer from Tallahassee, has been a devout Hulkamaniac for as long as he can remember, but Hogan’s apparent inability to keep his foot out of his own mouth has Polczuk on the verge of renouncing his Hulkamania once and for all.

“I mean, those racist comments were awful, but I tried to give the Hulkster the benefit of the doubt there,” said Polczuk, wistfully gazing at an LJN action figure of Hogan. 

“But then he became the puppet of a vindictive billionaire in order to bankrupt Gawker — I liked that site! — and now he’s calling hurricane victims crybabies? I mean, come on — I can only forgive so much.”

Polczuk says his faith in Hogan began to waver decades ago with the release of Mr. Nanny, faltered again when Hogan turned TNA Wrestling into a ham-fisted vanity project, and plummeted further when the reality-TV show Hogan Knows Best revealed the Hulkster’s family to be “a bunch of shallow, spoiled, dimwitted turdburglers,” as Polczuk puts it. 

Although he used to dress entirely in red and gold as a tribute to his hero, Polczuk now dresses in black, to signify his mourning over the loss of his childhood hero (and express his fondness for Seth Rollins).

“I used to love the Hulkster, but lately it has come crashing down, and it hurts inside,” confessed a misty-eyed Polczuk. “Apparently, he’s gotta be a douche, and I just can’t let that slide.”