Professional wrestler and former Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle was arrested again last night for allegedly driving while awesome.
According to the arrest report, Angle was nabbed by Texas police for driving while “excessively charismatic, dangerously arrogant and unreasonably athletic.”
A roadside Awesome-o-Meter breath analysis revealed that Angle was driving with “twice the legal limit of technical wrestling ability” in his bloodstream.
The arresting officer reported that Angle performed a hilarious acoustic rendition of “Jimmy Crack Corn” while doing 1,000 hindu squats, despite suffering from a broken neck at the time.
Angle spent the night in a Texas jail, where he easily forced 22 members of a local biker gang to “tap out” to his signature ankle lock. He also performed a picture-perfect moonsault off the police station roof onto a car below, somehow walking away uninjured despite being in his mid-40s.
“He’s apparently some kind of superhero,” said Police Chief Mack Brundell.
According to the police records, Angle also had alcohol in his bloodstream while driving — which, if true, completely negates all of his awesomeness and makes him a pathetic lowlife scumbag.