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John Laurinaitis finally clears throat

John Laurinaitis

An elated John Laurinaitis unveils his smooth baritone voice moments after finally clearing his throat.

After suffering for years with a raspy voice and constricted larynx, WWE executive John Laurinaitis finally cleared his throat Monday, allowing his natural rich baritone voice to emerge.

“Oh man, that’s so much better,” intoned Laurinaitis in a vocal timbre reminiscent of James Earl Jones and Isaac Hayes, with glimmers of Luciano Pavarotti.

Laurinaitis, WWE’s Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager of Raw, had complained to family and friends for years that his throat felt “a little dry.” He was secretly saddened to learn that many wrestling fans had nicknamed him “John Laryngitis.”

“Ahem,” he said, thus bringing to life a set of pipes whose tone and beauty rival the pipe organ at the Mormon Tabernacle.

“I can’t believe I waited so long,” Laurinaitis then cooed in tone as warm and smooth as fresh honey. “I wish I had cleared my throat sooner — I’ve been on TV a lot lately, and it must have been pretty tough on the audience to listen to my voice when it was so raspy.”



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