The undersized oily nub of hair that dangles like a limp sardine over the back of Paul Heyman’s neck has been named the World’s Scuzziest Hairstyle by an expert panel of beauticians and salon owners.
In rendering their unanimous decision, the judges stated that “Mr. Heyman’s ponytail meets and exceeds all the criteria for unmitigated scuzziness, from the stringiness of the hair to the cheap rubber band that binds it.”
Added the judges: “Of course, the fact that Heyman has a skullet is inherently scuzzy, but that dead rodent that dangles from the back of his head is the icing on the scuzzy cake.”
The devolution of Heyman’s hairstyle has been noticeable for decades, from the merely cheesy mullet he sported in WCW to the never-seen-without-a-baseball-cap era of the late 1990s to his latest scuzzy monstrosity.
Experts say the only logical next step would be for Heyman to get a replica of Bam Bam Bigelow’s scalp tattoo.