Aiming to punish World Wrestling Entertainment for countless incidents of blasphemy, God is reportedly cooking up “a rainstorm of biblical proportions” for WrestleMania.
Capitalizing on the open-air format of the event, the Creator of the Universe intends to pummel WWE’s flagship event with rain, gale-force winds and possibly a plague of locusts.
According to priests and theologians, God has grown increasingly angry with Vince McMahon’s sports-entertainment juggernaut in recent decades for taking His name in vain, and for regularly celebrating all seven of the Deadly Sins.
God was reportedly furious when He was portrayed (by a bright white spotlight) as Shawn Michaels’ tag partner in a match against Vince and Shane McMahon.
God also reportedly thought the characters of Mordecai, Brother Devon and Deacon Batista were “lame,” and didn’t appreciate John Bradshaw Layfield referring to himself as a “wrestling god.”
Meteorologists have warned that enormous black clouds are already forming over the site of WrestleMania, despite the event still being weeks away.
Vince McMahon has declined to comment on the matter, but sources close to the WWE chairman say he has commissioned the construction of an enormous, 60,000-seat ark.