World Wrestling Entertainment announced today that Fandango, a flamboyant wrestler and ballroom dancer, has been suspended under the company’s Wellness Policy after tests revealed elevated levels of pizzazz.
“A urine sample submitted by Fandango contained abnormally high levels of razzle-dazzle,” said a press release issued this morning by WWE.
“It is believed that Mr. Fandango has illegally ingested banned substances including panache, zip and va-va-va-voom.”
Because this is Fandango’s first violation of the Wellness Policy, his suspension will last for 30 days, during which he may undergo random blood screenings to test for heightened levels of flashy grandiosity.
Fandango denies ever deliberately taking any banned wowie-zowie, and insists he had a doctor’s prescription for therapeutic doses of sizzle, which helps him “let the a’s breathe.”
The wrestler says he refuses to acknowledge the validity of the tests until WWE’s chief doping authority, Dr. Bob Ponovich, properly pronounces his name.