Having been a die-hard fan of WWE’s so-called Attitude Era during his adolescence, 31-year-old wrestling fan Carl Jankowski of Cleveland was horrified to discover today that his eight-year-old son has access to the same programming via the WWE Network.
Jankowski, who loved watching Steve Austin get crucified and Trish Stratus bark like a dog during the 1990s, is desperate to prevent son Braylen from witnessing the same unconscionable filth.
“It’ll warp his beautiful little mind,” said the concerned father. “If he starts getting into DX, I will have utterly failed as a dad.”
Jankowski’s fears were sparked earlier this week when little Braylen asked him: “What does ‘choppy-choppy your pee-pee’ mean, daddy?” (referring, of course, to Kai En Tai’s threatened butchering of Val Venis’ penis via samurai sword).
“I thought it couldn’t get any worse than that,” said Jankowski, “but then he asked me Katie Vick is.”
Jankowski subscribed to the WWE Network last month hoping that his son’s favorite wrestler, John Cena, would be a good role model for the impressionable boy.
Now, horrified that his son will be exposed to Sable’s large breasts and Mabel’s larger breasts, he wishes to cancel the subscription.
“But those evil bastards required a six-month commitment, so I guess my son is screwed.”