Having shocked wrestling fans by aligning with the enigmatic Wyatt Family, Daniel Bryan revealed today that he has found the buzzards, then made each of them submit to the so-called Yes Lock.
Bryan’s allegiance with the Wyatt Family — a cultlike cadre of inbred hillbillies known to implore people to “follow the buzzards” — seemed drastically out of character for the popular wrestler, whose talents recently earned him a Superstar of the Year Slammy Award.
After following the buzzards back to a large buzzard nest on the Wyatt Family farm, he made each of the four large birds “tap out” with a frantic flapping of wings.
It is unclear, however, why Bryan felt compelled to attack the scavenging birds of prey, rather than attacking the members of the Wyatt Family who abducted and brainwashed him.
Asked by reporters to explain his bizarre actions, Bryan repeatedly shouted “No.”
The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has filed a complaint against Bryan for harming the buzzards, and for defaming goats.