Demented hillbilly Bray Wyatt is determined to become “the new face of fear” this Sunday when he squares off in a much-anticipated WrestleMania showdown against a low-pressure weather system that has been brewing for weeks.
For weeks, Wyatt has taunted and challenged the inclement weather, which has rumbled with ominous thunderclaps and flashes of lightning (perplexingly within the confines of hockey arenas around the United States).
Meteorologists warn that the low-pressure system will intensify between today and Sunday, culminating in gale-force winds and heavy rains that will douse Levi’s stadium (except for the ring itself, which will obstruct the view of 90 percent of ticketholders).
Wyatt claims he is “unafraid of any meteorological menace,” though he was recently spotted buying rubber boots and an umbrella in preparation for the match-up.
Many wrestling fans are under the mistaken impression that Wyatt is scheduled to face legendary wrestler The Undertaker, but this is clearly incorrect given that all of Wyatt’s recent diatribes have been directed at thunderclaps and lighting bolts.
The National Weather Service has issued a storm warning for the San Francisco Bay area Sunday, though it is too early to tell whether it will be a lance storm, a hurricane helms, or a gorilla monsoon.