Just when it seemed that Rusev’s reign of pro-Russian propaganda was unstoppable, patriotic American hero The Rock vanquished the evildoer with a barrage of puerile one-liners about genitalia, feces and rectal insertions.
Proving that the United States of America will always triumph over foreign aggressors by launching churlish insults and toilet humor, The Rock humiliated Rusev on this week’s episode of WWE Monday Night Raw.
“You’re both a couple of world-class, international a-holes,” said The Rock, to the roaring delight of thousands of screaming fans, who then chanted “Assss-holes” in rhythmic, sheeplike unison.
The Rock delivered a devastating blow against the Russian insurgents when he said that Rusev’s breath “smells like Chewbacca’s hairy beanbag.”
Clearly, America had won the day.
But The Rock was not yet finished, as he was determined to prove American superiority over Russia — not through rational democratic discourse or military intervention, but through bawdy puns about people putting things in their anuses.
Looking at Rusev’s buxom mouthpiece, Lana, the Rock demonstrated his rapier wit and patriotic zeal: “You’re walking around here like someone shoved a Smirnoff bottle up your Putin.”
Vanquished, the Russians aggressors agreed to leave the United States forever, confessing that they had been intellectually bested by a superior rival.
Following his appearance on Raw, The Rock was immediately deployed to Syria, where he intends to topple ISIS by insisting they take their radical, terror-driven caliphate and stick it straight up their candy asses.