Millions of fans of professional wrestling have cast votes for this year’s WWE Slammy Awards, naively believing their votes will actually help determine the winners of the awards.
“Bless their hearts, those adorable simpletons,” WWE Chairman Vince McMahon told a shareholders’ meeting today.
“They actually think sports-entertainment booking is a democratic process whereby they can influence my decisions. Isn’t that the most darling thing you’ve ever heard?”
Over the past week, fans have been voting for Slammys on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, the WWE App, Tout, Myspace, MyTout, Tootspace, Flutter, Instaflickbook, and by registered mail.
All votes were then funnelled electronically into central database, scrubbed for insights into fans’ purchasing habits and personal information, and saved onto a hard drive.
The hard drive was then placed on the fireplace mantle of McMahon’s Connecticut mansion, alongside the skulls of his vanquished enemies and a set of unused XFL trophies.